Tedium killed my motivation

[subfusca]

I'm sure a lot of people have gone through this. I am at an odd stage emotionally. In Februrary this year, I discovered that my son (3yrs old) had an ASD (Diagnosed as PDDNOS, although he tested in the Autism range). It was a hard reality that didnt really hit me very strongly, because I dealt with it by consumming vast amounts of information (internet, books) about this disorder, previously unfamiliar to me. Somehow this helped me to stay optimistic about everything for several weeks.

Now, however, I am going about my daily routine as if it had never happened. I don't know if it is unconscious denial, or depression. I initially tried to apply everything I thought would be helpful from my autism research, and realized that it is not as simple as I had thought. I have seemingly lost all motivation to research further, participate in forums like this, etc. It is so hard to work daily on trying to help my son with communication--when there seems to be no improvement. Thank God he is in a structured preschool class (for autism spectrum children) four days a week.

I just want to know if others have gone through a similar phase of despondency, and how others have overcome it. Does anyone know any ideas for rekindling a hopeful motivation? ...I'm sure it will be different for everyone, and I will likely have to find out on my own.

[Dani Marks]

First, Welcome!

I know exactly how you feel. My son was diagnosed with Asperger's in January. I did the very same thing; consuming vast ammounts of info, trying to learn and cope (or so I thought). For me though, the more I read, the more, sort of, depressed I became. I guess it is because the reality of it all was hitting me harder than I realized. I think what I was actually doing, by consuming vast ammounts of info, was not dealing with the reality of it all.

For me, it was like, if I just keep myself busy, and try to do something about it, then I didn't really have to deal with it emotionally. But, our emotions always seem to have a way of catching up with us. The more you read and learn, the more it hits home what it means to have a child on the spectrum. There was about a 2 month period where I just couldn't deal with it anymore. I didn't read anything, look up anything, or talk to anyone about it at all.

I have sense worked past some of that and am beginning to pick it back up, a little at a time. I found that it really helps me to do a little research, read a little about it and then just put it down until I have had time to process that little bit and deal with it. I don't try to consume vast ammounts at one time anymore, I take my time and then give myself time the accept that little bit before doing more. These disorders can be very overwhelming in all aspects of it, whether learning about it or actually dealing with your particular childs behaviors.

Just give yourself time to process what you have learned so far and deal with it. You are not a bad person for needing a break from it all! We all need a break sometimes, and I think it eventually makes us better parents for our children if we allow ourselves time to deal. I am here if you ever need to vent, or whatever!

Take care and God Bless!

Dani Marks
Andrew, 6 yrs old w/ Asperger's and Hyperlexia and Austin, 4 yrs old

[Deester]

Yep this seems to be how it goes. Keep busy learning about what this autism thing is. Then wanting to apply it isn't quite so easy. Reality sets in and you start to think about the future.

I think you've started the grieving phase. It's different for all. You just feel it's taken over and you have no control. Before it's every parents dream to plan out their childs future...high school--honors...college..more college...marriage and family....GRANDCHILDREN....etc.

Now one has to stop and revise this plan. But no one knows how much. The future is so far away and so much could happen between now and then. Maybe they'll be a cure...maybe...

Just rememeber thought all of this mental power going on...he is still the same boy as he was before the diagnosis. Your child with all the same personality and quirps as before. Enjoy the innocence and the love. Your heart will guide you for the right choices.

The better the choices the more knowledge you have. So all that reading didn't go to waste. You'll pick up another book or search out something on the internet when your ready. A new therapy will hit your ears....pop on the internet to find out the details and see if it's available in your area.

This phase will pass. Don't rush it. Some people take years to fully move on. Sometimes it comes back in little bit just to get you all teary eyed when you see 'something' that gets you to stop and think...

Good luck and Welcome, glad your here. We all need each other here.

Denise

[mlwear]

I think sometimes we also over-consume information especially in the beginning and we lose sight of everything else. We only read books about autism. We spend endless hours researchiing. We live, eat, sleep autism. It's only a matter of time until most of us crash. One reason being that we never fully took time to grieve. You don't have time. You have to immediately begin early intervention. Your child comes first (as should be) and your emotions are put on the back burner. They can only be surpressed for so long.
Add to that spending your life in waiting rooms and therapy visits. Then there are the endless lists of things you must do given by each teacher and therapist. I don't think they realzie that 5 other people are also giving you these extensive lists. You cannot possiby do everything they are asking and then guilt sets in. At least this is how it was for me.
I seems that your son is now in a structured, safe, healthy environment. Of course, there are still things you have to do at home. But, scale it back a lot for a while. So, you aren't up with the latest treatments for a couple of months. That's OK, IMO. Having a mom that can hold it together because she cares about herself is more helpful than all the parents who are frazzled from trying to do too much. You have to find a balance.
This was the hardest first step for me: go to a bookstore and buy a novel that has nothing to do with autism or special education. Just something you want to read for enjoyment. Something you would have read pre-autism. I couldn't do it for a long time. Several times I left the store empty handed. I didn't want to spend money on a novel when I could spend that same money on a book that might help my child. How dare I spend my time reading something trivial. Finally, I did it. I did something just for me. I still have a hard time doing this. I also limit how much I will talk about it to family and friends because I end up saying the same things over and over. They are aware of autism (I still never miss an opportunity to spread autism awareness) but they mostly just want to tell me things they saw on TV or read in a ladies magazine which is information that is basic and I already know. I want to talk about something else.
I agree it does get tedious, It gets overwhelming. It can take over your life. Once I realized (after several years) that I still had to do everything I could for my son, but that I also had to have a life with some quality, I eased up. This became more true when I got to the acceptance stage.
I could write a book about the acceptance stage, but will leave that for another post.