I apologize if this post is off-topic. I'm really not sure where to get input on my issue.

I have been dating the most wonderful woman for the past ten months. She has a 6 year-old boy who is considered severely autistic. I have spent a great deal of time with him and I really have grown to love him. Our relationship is at a critical point of commitment. My heart tells me to go forward and become a father to this boy and a husband to her (his birth dad ran off).

Reading the posts on this board and knowing the frustrations my girlfriend constantly faces, makes me wonder if I am being a fool. I know no one would chose to have an autistic child, but that's what it feels like I would be doing. Honestly, I think I'm up for the challenge, and I feel like his disability is not something that should factor into my decision.

I'm wondering what type of challenges I would need to be prepared for? Also, I feel like she takes such ownership of his problems that she would not allow me to truly become a parent to him. How can I let her know that if we are together, then I want to be her teammate in parenting him?

(again, I'm sorry this is kind of a selfish question, but you are all experts in this area and I know very little)

Hi Nickmg1975 and welcome.

I don't necessarily think it's true that nobody ever chooses to be a parent to an autistic child. Maybe all the parents here choose to be parents to their children every day rather than walking away from them, like your girlfriend's son's birth dad did. I don't know if anyone can prepare you for all the possible challenges beforehand. All children are different and autistic children are certainly no exception to that. You say that your girlfriend's son is severely autistic. Can he communicate and make his wishes known in some way, either by talking or with picture cards? It can be extremely frustrating for children when they cannot communicate.

I think many mothers are protective of their children the way your girlfriend is, expecially if they are used to doing everything for their children themselves and not sharing the responsibilities. I think maybe she can read the uncertainty you are feeling right now and when she realizes that you are in this forever, she will let you parent her son more and more as time moves forward. Have you read any books about parenting autistic children? When my husband and I found out our daughter was autistic, I read a lot of them and I think they helped me understand things more from her point of view.

Thank you for the response and the warm welcome Lisa S.

You are right. Each one of us decides every day what our roles in life will be. Birth dad certainly did. I need to accept the fact that if I choose to become this boys step father, there is nothing wrong with that. I know some of my family and friends would be disappointed that I wasn't having biological kids of my own (girlfriend has said she doesn't want anymore kids), but I'm not living my life to impress my mom. This is just such a big choice, I do not take it lightly. The boy deserves consistency and dedicated love. I don't want to tell her I want this until I feel more sure.

As for how autistic he is, it's tough to say because he is the only autistic person I've been around. He can't talk. He will parrot what you say if you make him and his sign language vocabulary is increasing. If he's hungry he'll go grab what he wants out of the cupboard and bring it to mom to open and make for him. It's really cute. I think he's very smart and in the short time I've known him, I have noticed his development.

You comment about her holding back makes a ton of sense (especially since birth dad bailed on her). Reading up on the subject and talking to people here is good advice. Which books did you find best regarding the parenting experience? I think reading about the parent's joys and challenges is where I should focus. Practical parenting guides can come later.

My heart tells me to "go for it" because I love them both so much. I just don't want to make a hasty decision because if I propose this to her, I want to be as sure as possible. I'm also talking to stepdads with no biological children to gain insight into their experience.

Your comments are appreciated.

I think it sounds like you still have a lot of thinking to do, Nickmg1975. Maybe you need to consider how strongly you feel about having biological children of your own and how strongly your girlfriend feels about not having any more, or if having any more is even a possibility for her.

My cousin married a woman with an autistic son whose birth dad was out of the picture and he adopted Eric. He wanted to have another child and he and his wife had a daughter, who is not autistic, a few years later.

Here are some books that helped me.

The first one I read when I found out that Catherine had a Pervasive Development Disorder but before I realized that this was essentially the same as an Autism diagnosis was this one:

Pervasive Developmental Disorders: Finding a Diagnosis and Getting Help by Mitzi Waltz

I borrowed a copy from the Children's Hospital Lending Library in Denver, but here is is on Amazon.com so you can at least see what it looks like:

http://www.amazon.com/Pervasive-Develop ... 1565925300

Here's one that I like and I think you will too. Catherine has even borrowed from me and read a lot of it herself:

Overcoming Autism: Finding the Answers, Strategies, and Hope That Can Transform a Child's Life by Claire LaZebnik and Lynn Kern Koegel.

Here is a Wikipedia page about it:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Overcoming_Autism

By the way, do you ever watch the Supernanny TV show? There is one episode where Supernanny swoops in to help the parents of an autistic son, Tristin Facente, with Dr. Lynn Kern Koegel's help that you might find interesting to watch. Here's the part with Dr. Koegel on YouTube, if you can watch YouTube videos:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eR01qlXQ63g

I think it's great that your girlfriend's son can repeat words that are said to him (some people call that echolalia) because I think it's a skill that you can build on. I'm also glad that he is learning signs for sign language and that he's so smart that he brings his mom the food he wants her to prepare for him from the cupboard. He sounds absolutely adorable.